Monday, February 8, 2016

Looking Back...

     I want to start this post off with saying that learning to draw, to paint, to see, has never come easy for me. It's not a talent. In fact, I would say that throughout my artistic life there's always someone just a few chairs over that I felt outshone by: A girl in middle school that could draw perfect portraits when I could hardly draw an eye, a cousin whose lines and ideas came effortlessly, a friend in college who saw colors that didn't exist to me. Looking back, I see myself struggling constantly to be like them.
 
   I've always been competitive, and I'm glad for it. That sense of competition got me where I am today, though I hate to admit it. I saw someone draw a portrait and I'd try 1,000 times to do the same. If someone was better at color or composition, I'd stare at their paintings for hours on end- comparing them to my own and the old masters I admired. There never was a day that it clicked. Even today I think I struggle daily at the smallest things that I should know how to do effortlessly, and even today I find the most unbelievable things in the crudest drawings. How could someone do that?!

     I wonder if a 17-19 year-old me would say the same about who I am today? I wonder if I'd take the time to teach him or if I'd even like his work. I wonder if I'd see myself in the things he scribbled in his sketchbooks. Well, thankfully, I don't have to wonder. Hidden in a closet at my parents house I stumbled across that person. There he was! Just sitting inside of sketchbook after sketchbook trying just as hard as he ever was!

    I thought it would be nice to share some of our drawings with you....


     Well, here are just a few things I found. My third painting of all time, a giant drawing of a hand (30in tv in the background), an unfinished armored girl, a portrait of a friend, and some guy doing some thing? Who knows! I spent so much time looking back at these the other night. In each I remembered where I was when I drew them and all the thoughts and feelings I had at the time. It's for that reason I keep things like this for the future- like some sort of living memory. One look and there I am again in that moment. It's a pretty good movie idea if the butterfly effect hadn't all ready done it. 

 

     Here I can easily see myself trying to design some unbelievable armor around this tough and elegant character. I can still see her in my head with her sword and lance. 2009 saw me diving into interesting characters, trying to get into their heads, just as I do now. Nothing, to me, is better than capturing that person, bringing them from that initial thought to the surface and meeting them. I'm not sure why her blacksmith decided to draw so much attention to her cleavage, though...




     I remember this one. I had just stumbled upon some Final Fantasy concept art and was crazy about it. I loved the sense of effortless movement and unrealistic proportions and costumes. I could take my time needling out all the small details of the costume and I thought I was something drawing just the smallest part for hours on end! That style at the time seemed everything I'd ever wanted. It still leaves an effect on me today, as you can see. There's very few paintings in action that I don't try and put that thrust to the character or scene, and I still fall in love with the little things.



     Finally, I think these are the most telling, if not my favorites. It was always easy for me to just sketch up a character and say they were mine- but it was never quite right. I struggled with the real: proportion, mass, light, shadow. It wasn't until that last year of college that I really started to get it. After number 10,0000000000000, hands and faces became not challenges to me, but my favorite things. There's so much in a characters face. I feel like you should be able to tell the entire story from their expression and I try and capture that. Hands, on their own, could be an entirely different portrait of that same person. They show just as much emotion. 

    To me, I can say that I've gotten better now. I can see it in leaps and bounds. I love it and I'm proud of it every day- like beating some fell beast. At the time, though, it didn't feel easy and it never will- but you should never forget the struggle that brought you to where you are. It's easier said than done, but if you can just think back to those times it can help you to reach forward just as much into the future even at the hardest times. You might say, "well, here I am, but there I was."

     Thanks for being a part of my own here, and sharing a part of my own there.

     -Allen